One of my favorite TV shows is Temptation Island. The premise is to take four dedicated couples, split them up, and then fifteen attractive singles try to get them to cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends. This weekend I tried out to be one of the fifteen "tempters."

The downside is I was sick. I had a really bad flu. My girlfriend Jennifer knew that I really wanted to be on the show. So she drove me down to L.A. Friday night while I sat shotgun feeling sorry for myself and partaking in the BRAT diet which I just learned (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast). We did stop at a Carl's Junior near Buttonwillow off Highway 5 so she could get a cheeseburger and I could have a salad. Instead of eating on the road, I wanted to eat inside the Carl's Junior in case I had to run into the bathroom. This was perhaps the most romantic Valentine's dinner ever.

So the tryouts. They were from 3 to 8 on Saturday at this bar/restaurant. At the last minute, Jen decided to try out too. She bought some hoochie outfit, got a pedicure, and we went over. I thought it would be a line of a few hundred ridiculous people, but there was barely anyone there. I was wearing glasses because I thought there would be so many people and I needed something to differentiate myself. Perhaps they had quotas for certain "types." Apparently the quota for dorky Jews was full because when we filled out the applications, they put Jen and this one other girl in a little line outside, and told me and a few guido guys next to me in leather pants that things were really backed up so they just wanted us to send in videos of ourselves but really, thanks for coming. I waited for the three guys to leave and told her that I had driven down from SF and I really wanted to do it here. She went over to these two ladies at a table at the other side of the room, talked to them, and said I could get in line. There were only like six people out there. They'd just go in and talk for a few minutes. You're not allowed to be in a "committed relationship" and be a Single, so we said we were roommates. Jen went first. She just winged it, and she nailed it.
TI Question: So what brought you down here?
Jen's Answer: Well, to be honest, my roommate is really into this and he really wants to be on the show. I just came down because I thought it would be fun. It's not like I'm looking for my big break or anything.
TI: Oh, that's so refreshing here in LA.
Jen: Yeah, well I'm from San Francisco. I just figured I'm always breaking up relationships anyway, so I might as well put my talents to good use.
TI: (writing frantically) Really, do you break up a lot of relationships?
Jen: Well it's not like I set out to break up relationships, it's just all the good guys are taken, right? To me, it's just not a factor. And I guess I like a challenge.
TI: (eating it up, still taking copious notes) How do you go about breaking a couple up?
Jen: Well it's really not rocket science. First of all, they're coming up to you, right? You talk to them and eventually it comes out they have a girlfriend. Then you find out what they don't like about their current girlfriend and be the exact opposite. Just commiserate and tell them that what their girlfriend expects is totally unreasonable and you're the opposite. Easy.
TI: That's great. That's great. So how did you hear about the tryouts?
Jen: Oh, I was watching Hollywood Extra and they said if you wanted to be on Temptation Island 3, go on the Fox website.
TI: Really? That was my idea to get that on there. I'm so glad someone saw it. So here's the process going forward: we have to choose the couples and see exactly what their types are and choose singles from there. We need you to send in a 3-minute video of yourself and picture of yourself in a bikini since you're going to be on an island for two weeks.
Jen: OK, thanks.

Then it was my turn. I had all witty comments lined up. Temptation Island is the second best show of all time after Melrose Place...etc. I sat down at the table they said: So here's the process going forward: we have to choose the couples and see exactly what their types are and choose singles from there. We need you to send in a 3-minute video of yourself.
Jacob: That's it?
TI: Yep, that's it.

It sucked.