Inaugural 2004 Season Preview
If you live in San Francisco you've at some point surely been affected by the city's homelessness issue. As a matter of fact, the hot-button topic is the touchstone of this year's mayoral election, as supervisors, treasurers, and other elected officials attempt to improve a heretofore unsolvable problem with their promises, propositions, legislation, and empty words.
In case anyone is interested, I have devised a plan for solving this ubiquitous and unsavory conundrum, and it won't involve any fancy law-passing. It won't cost you a dime of your hard-earned money. It won't even require you to go the polls and vote. All it will take is your participation, moral support, trust, and a few more minutes of your time.
An ill-spent life is often the result of a poor upbringing, a lack of discipline, and low self-esteem. Rather than spend millions of dollars acquiring attempting to "cure" these deep-seated issues as we have so foolishly done in the past, we should turn to a more economical, more effective, and more compassionate form of character rebuilding and societal reintegration: team sports, specifically, American football. To this end, I have decided to devote the rest of my life to creating and overseeing the San Francisco Homeless Football League (SFHFL), which will begin operations on March 1, 2004.
I would like to take a moment to impart our two "core values" to you. These guiding principles are paraphrased from the league's rules, which are currently being drafted by my team of experts:
- To provide rehabilitation services to San Francisco's thousands of homeless persons by offering a mentally and physically challenging workplace, where teamwork is king and failure is not an option
- To provide wholesome, family entertainment for an unmatched value
As we all can attest, American football is a national pastime enjoyed by millions of our fair county's citizens. Unfortunately, under the traditional system, both college and professional football matches can only be enjoyed for the four or five months of the year that the powers-that-be decide to hold them. At the SFHFL, our season never ends, so you can follow your favorite team perpetually. And you won't pay $75 to see these contests; you can be right on top of the action-live-at all SFHFL games, as they cost just $2 per person. Children under 8 and adults over 65 are admitted free of charge.
The full rules of the league, as well as information for potential team owners and players, will be available in November of this year. I urge you to check back then for a full taste of the action that lies in store for you. Until then, pass our inaugural year's slogan on to your friends and family: "The SFHFL: Can you smell it?"
In closing, I'd like to say that I sincerely hope to have you with us when the season gears up this coming spring. I want you to personally witness every touchdown, every triumphant rags-to-riches story, and every broken rib right along with me. I want you to feel as I do, that we, as a community, are banding together to vanquish a problem that once seemed hopeless. I want you to smell the victory. I can smell the victory--it's just around the bend.
If you are interested in owning a team or have any general questions about the league, please feel free to drop me a line.
Thanks for your time, and see you in March!
B. Satter
SFHFL Commissioner
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