Fall is in the air once again. With it comes crisp air, autumn leaves, the new prime-time lineup, and the start of school. While many things may change each fall, invariably, one thing stays the same: young men and women approaching adulthood come to me seeking advice about all kinds of concerns. And I oblige, understanding the full gravity and responsibility that comes along with being a writer of my caliber, reputation, and credentials. I'd be a bastard if I didn't.

And I get all kinds of questions dealing with life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and how to make a buck in this wretched economy. But every question that I've ever been asked boils down to the same basic nutshell in the end: "How can I deal with the intense pressure and myriad of problems surrounding me?"

My basic advice to such youth lost in this ocean of chaos and confusion we call life has always been to focus on what is of tantamount importance. Rather than letting 100 problems eat away at you, why not consolidate all those issues into one problem that you can truly sink your teeth into and solve?

But how does one go about doing this, the seemingly impossible? After the thousands of letters I've written, the plethora of phone calls I've received, and the multitude of hands I have shook, I'm pleased to say I've found the answer at last. It's a time-tested, life-affirming cure you may have heard of, and it's called crack cocaine.

Now, if you're like me, you once bought in to all the negative Big-Media hype surrounding crack cocaine since its inception on America's East Coast in the early 1980s. You believed the pundits and the naysayers when they spoke of "how the crack-cocaine problem is destroying the inner cities of our country." And if you're still like me, you've finally come around to the opinion that crack cocaine is not a problem, but a problem-consolidation tool that shouldn't be exclusive to America's urban areas; it should be accessible to people from all walks of life, regardless of color, creed, nationality, or geography.

I'd like to state again that I realize crack cocaine has been given a bad (albeit ill-deserved) reputation by certain media outlets, government agencies, religious groups, and parent/teacher associations. I am here to dispel this myth. So if you can open your mind, close your mouth, and give me just a few more minutes of your time, I will illustrate my point with a salient example from real life.

Let's take the story of a young man I once had the pleasure of knowing. He was just starting out on his own, fresh from college. For the purposes of this parable, we'll call him Charles Killian. Charles seemed to have it all going for him; a good, steady job that earned him a sizable income; a charming, beautiful girlfriend; a wealth of friends and acquaintances; and a family who loved him. Some might say that young Charles was a blessed young man, on the fast track to big-time success without a care in the world.

But soon, several of these seeming "blessings" began to cause Charles a little trouble. Things got stressful at work-his boss wouldn't stop bitching. And his girlfriend, having acquired a taste for drinking from the lap of luxury, kept at him to climb the corporate ladder and make more money. She even made him stop drinking beer. Plus, his folks and sister wouldn't stop hassling him to come home to visit them the one weekend he didn't have to be in the office. And to top if all off, there were all those student loans, credit card bills, and car payments to contend with. You can see how Charles's problems just seemed to multiply.

Charles could have just thrown his hands up in the air and said "I quit." He could have pissed and moaned until the cows came home. A lesser man might have tossed in the towel. But Charles realized--as so many others have--that his distress came not from his problems, but from the amount of problems he had. Being an astute young lad, Charles realized that there is no way to lead a life without problems. Therefore, the most desirable solution was to consolidate all of his piddly, low-maintenance problems into one major problem that he could really address. And like so many others, Charles found a way to move his myriad of problems into one problem via the helping hand of crack cocaine.

Soon after Charles came under the influence of crack cocaine, all of his day-to-day problems seemed to melt away in a comforting blanket of contentment. There was no job to worry about since Charles no longer bothered to go. And though Charles's girlfriend nagged and nagged him about his newfound hobby, he found he could block it out quite nicely with the virtuous substance called crack cocaine. No friends or family ever called since Charles's phone had been disconnected.

If that's not enough proof, considered how Charles's monetary issues considerably changed for the better. Not only did he have no interest in reading his bills, he couldn't, because he didn't have a house to send them to. After all, you can't pay bills on time if you can't get them. Charles no longer even had to worry about deciding how to spend his pocket change since he funneled it all in to his problem-consolidation tool. After years of living by someone else's rules, Charles had finally wrested back the reins of his own life. Charles now had only one problem to concern himself with: he was addicted to crack cocaine.

It is here that my story ends. I don't know what's become of Charles, nor do I care. Perhaps he's a successful businessman now, with a loving wife and a brood of young towheaded children of his own. Perhaps he dropped out altogether, sunning himself on some island in the sun, living out his remaining years without a care. As for me, though, I like to think he's still chasing that pot of white gold at the end of the glass rainbow. Somewhere, somehow.

So in closing, I'd like to once again address the youth of America: Take the story of Charles as a beacon by which to guide you. Charles had many problems, but he didn't sit around griping and feeling sorry for himself. Charles had the tenacity, the determination, and the wherewithal to consolidate his problems into one. If you too are ready to make your life easier, I implore to visit (or revisit) the magical substance called crack cocaine. One day, you might be happy too.

Just like our good friend Charles Killian!


*Respects go out to one Mr. G. Opdenbrouw, who provided the inspiration for this article's title.

B. Satter is an immigrant grocer in Berkeley, California. He is a regular user and distributor of crack cocaine.